Setting New Year's Goals with Your Teen

So often, parenting teens seems to be about picking your battles and discipline. This New Years take a pro active approach and set goals with your teen that encourage good behavior and positive life style changes. Communicate with your teen about what is important to both of you and steps that can be taken towards constructive behaviors. This creates an opportunity to talk to your teens about important issues such as alcohol, drugs, and pregnancy, plus encourages goal oriented behaviors that promote growth and development.

Sample Goals for Teens:

I will resist peer pressure to try drugs and alcohol.

I will take care of my body by exercising three times a week for one hour.

I will maintain an A average in all of my classes.

I will not miss any days of school unless I am ill.

I will avoid being alone with boys/girls and abstain from sexual activity.

I will spend 20 minutes on my chores everyday.

I will be healthier by eating at least one fruit and 1 vegetable everyday.

I will limit my time on the internet or television to 1-2 hours daily.

I will only choose friends with good values.


Regardless of what goal is set, it needs to be positive and attainable. It is important to state exactly how the results of the goal will be measured and the deadline for completion. Some goals may need smaller benchmarks outlining how they will be accomplished. All goals should have an associated reward to celebrate achievements. Be sure everything is documented in writing and the paper is stored in a place where your teen can be mindful of it. Using parent/teen contracts may help in defining the goals and rewards. Follow up with them on their progress regularly and encourage success.

Spring Break Tips

Spring break is typically an exciting week for teens and a week of worry for parents. Here are a few tips on how to keep teens excited and take some of the worry out of Spring break:
1. Establish rules and consequences: Even if you have established rules and consequences in your home, spring break is a great time to review the rules (general behavior, household rules, curfew, chores etc...) and the consequences that come with breaking the rules. You may even wish to set up a parent/teen contract just so everyone understands and agrees.
2. Keep them busy. Bored teenagers with too much time on their hands is a recipe for trouble. You do not have to entertain them every second of every day but if you will plan ahead with specific chores, projects, and activities that include them in a positive way they will be less likely to find less desirable activities. Make sure you allow them balanced time of family/friends and work/play.
3. Be reasonable and realistic. It would be wonderful if our teenagers would rise early, have breakfast with us, clean the house and watch their siblings (while we go to work), and be happy to stay home with the family for dinner and family time. Let's face it, this is not reasonable or realistic. So while trying to establish the 2 tips above consider and discuss what rules are reasonable and what consequences you will realistically follow through on. Be reasonable and realistic with their chores, time, and activities. (This is not to say be manipulated in to "but mom/dad it's spring break")
4. Remain open to negotiation: If teens are allowed to have an opinion and participate in creating the rules and consequences they are more apt to follow them. Even if the results are the same, a teen will appreciate being a part of a discussion and not another lecture. Teens benefit from contracts also.
5. Remain in contact and informed. Unlike the old days when every teenager used the excuse (at least once in their lifetime) they were not near a phone and couldn't call, if your teen does not have a cell phone I guarantee 9 out 10 of their friends do. Get the phone numbers of their friends and their friends parents. Know where they are going to be and how long they will be there. Have specific times they need to check in with you, and if their plans change (and they do) they are responsible to call and inform you (or there will be consequences).
6. Talk about concerns: Even if you feel your teen is trustworthy now may be a great time to discuss sensitive issues that may concern you like alcohol, tobacco, sex, or drugs. Let you teen know even if you trust them you do not know who they may come in contact with and you just want to make sure they protect themselves. You may even want to make sure if they are attending parties they are aware of such things as:

• Date rape drugs or spiked drinks. Not to drink from punch bowls or already opened drinks.
• Alcohol. Do not drive, or be alone, with someone who has been drinking.
• Drugs. If drugs are present they are leave! or call you and you will help them.
• Sex. Stay in groups. Never leave a friend alone. Abstinence. etc...

These topics may be difficult for some parents/teens. They can be addressed in a positive and educational way. Remember, they may know everything but you will feel better knowing they are getting correct information from you and not finding out the hard way they could have done things differently.

7. "There is always a choice". Let your teen know they always have a choice. Some choices are not always as clear as right/wrong or black/white. Let them know you are available to them if they need help making a choice. Peer pressure can be brutal. I often tell my teens if they are in an uncomfortable situation and do not feel they can stand up for themselves they can use me as an excuse. I'm ok with them telling their friends, "I can't my parents will kill me" or "my parents are going to be here any minute" or "my parents won't allow me". I am ok with their friends not liking me if it keeps my teen safe.

8. Make Spring Break Fun! Share time with your teen and your family. Build fun and exciting memories with your family. Spring cleaning can even be fun and memorable if you approach it properly and everyone participates. Memories do not have to be made of beach vacations, you can build them right in your own home/neighborhood.

9. Be positive! Every day is a good day to tell your child how much you love them and how proud you are of them. (ps. positive self esteem also helps them be stronger in difficult situations)

Date Rape

I have seen several articles in the news lately about date rape and date rape drugs. Today I am going to talk about date rape then later in a separate post I will talk about date rape drugs. It is important to realize that many date rapes happen without the use of drugs or alcohol. But if a rape occurs while you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol do not think the rape is your fault, and seek help immediately. Just because one chooses to drink or use drugs it does not mean they chose to be raped.

A music video recently released by Amanda Palmer, called Oasis, which talks about being at a party, being slipped a date rape drug, being raped, then having an abortion was recently rejected from MTV. Many are arguing it is a joke or that it borders censorship but I, for one, was happy to see that MTV does have a limit to what they will allow to be shown on their station. I feel it desensitizes a very serious problem.

With that said...

Rape is any sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal, or oral) that is not wanted. Sometimes a rapist will use physical force, fear, drugs, alcohol, or other methods to force a teen to have sex. It is also considered date rape if a teen agrees to one type of sex, but then is forced into other sexual acts.
Rape may not be avoidable but these are a few thing you can do to reduce the risks of being raped:

• Stay in control; don't drink or use drugs.
• Don't get in a car with someone you don't know well.
• Try not to do things alone; go places with friends, and consider sticking to group dates.
• Always carry a cell phone and some extra money in case you need to get out of a situation.
• Learn how to defend yourself.
• Decide your limits, anyone who pressures you to change doesn't care about you, avoid them.
• If someone is trying to force you into doing something, loudly tell them "no", "get away"
• Trust your instincts; if you are not comfortable with a person or situation, get away.

My next post will get more detailed about date rape drugs but you should be aware that date rape drugs are:

• Often used to rape teens.
• Usually have no smell, taste, or color.
• Added to a drink without you knowing.
• Used to cause one to become helpless - unable to move, see, or get away.

To avoid being the victim of date rape drugs:

• You should not drink alcohol.
• If you are going to drink limit the number of drinks you consume.
• Only drink from containers you open yourself and have always been in your control - including while you were in the bathroom.

If you know or think that you have been raped:

• Get away from the area without touching anything
• Go to an emergency room or police station immediately - before showering, washing, urinating, or changing clothes.

Nurses and doctors are trained to help you, make a record of your injuries, and check you for evidence that can be used against an attacker. Even if you choose not to press charges you should seek medical attention so they can be treat your injuries, and checked for sexually transmitted diseases. Even if your attacker used a condom, STD's can still be spread.
Date rape causes emotional harm, including feelings of guilt, depression, anger, distrust, and worthlessness, trouble sleeping, and may effect sexual relations later in life. Rape victims should seek counseling to help them heal from the emotional damage of rape, and join a support group for rape victims. Most areas offer free counseling to rape victims.
Remember that it is not your fault if you were raped.
If you know someone who is a victim of date rape, listen, offer comfort, help the person get medical care and counseling, and let them know the rape was not their fault.

Child Behavior Charts and Contracts

Everyone I know (whether they would like to admit it or not) likes having structure in their lives. Organization, restrictions, clarity, and rewards provide us with a peace of mind. When this is not happening there is confusion, chaos, and frustration for everyone involved.

I recently went through this in my own family. I THOUGHT everyone knew the rules and understood their role in the family and what was expected of them. But, little by little I was hearing things like:
"I did the dishes but that other mess wasn't mine."
"It wasn't my turn to fold the towels."
"Nobody told me I shouldn't ..."
"Why am I being punished for that?"
"I didn't know it was my responsibility."
I had always prided myself on my communicating skills and talking with my children about even some times hard to address issues like alcohol, drugs, peer pressure, even sex. However, I realized I was not being clear enough on what our family values or goals are and what each individual needs to do to help us accomplish these goals. I was also not clear on what the reward or consequences would be if any of us lived up to these goals or failed to do our part.
In talking to others and doing my own research I found a solution that is working fabulous for our family, we have set up behavior charts and contracts. Let me first say I have tried the preschool charts on the refrigerator where they get a little star for good behavior. That worked for a week or so but it was still not defining in detail what was expected especially when it came to real issues like driving privlidges, alcohol or drug use, curfew rules, expectations of dating, and what is acceptable school behaviors and study habits.
I have included some links that I have found very helpful to our family on getting clarity, understanding, organization, and most of all Peace! Hope you find them helpful as well.