Choosing a Therapist for Your Teen

There may arise issues in any teens life when they need the help of a therapist or counselor. Finding the right therapist for a teen can be challenging. In this post we want to give you a few ideas of things to look for when choosing a therapist. First and foremost, know that if you sense that you are with someone that does not fit the needs that you are having you just need to find someone else instead of thinking you have to stay with someone that you or your teen doesn't really mesh with. This leads into our first tip:

Compatibility: Not all therapists are going to meet the needs of every patient. They are not a "one size fits all". You may think that just because you start going to a therapist that you have to stick with them or follow up. This isn't true. If it is a waste of your time or you know that you aren't going to be receptive or learn from the therapist you need to just be up front and tell them that you aren't interested in coming back. If they ask why you can kindly explain and then go on your way. It is hard to find a therapist that you connect with so don't be afraid to "shop around".

Location and Price: Naturally you aren't going to be excited about keeping an appointment with anyone that you have to go an extreme distance for or that you have to give a week's pay to see for one hour. Therapists are usually everywhere so there should be one near you that meets your needs unless you live in a rural area. As for price, most insurances cover certain types of therapists depending on the reason you are going. It is becoming increasingly common that insurance companies are enlisted in helping those with any counseling needs because it prevents other problems down the road. Just call and check with yours to see what might be covered. Also be sure that your therapist's office will bill your specific insurance company. Some offices won't accept certain insurances for various reasons. It's always good to double check.

Experience and Training: Not all therapists receive the same training and get the same schooling. Different training and education are required for therapist, psychologists, psychiatrists and counselors. You may want to choose one that best fits your needs and make sure they are qualified. You also want to know that they have had some experience. Depending on what work environment the professional has been in will help determine what their specialty may be. For example if a therapist has been working at a boarding school for troubled teens for the past five years and just opened a private practice, they may specialize in troubled teens. If they have worked at a rehab center they will specialize in drug or alcohol rehab. These are questions you want to ask if they do not advertise what their expertise is in.

Cultural Differences: There are times where issues need to be dealt with specifically with someone who understand and even subscribes to your cultural background or religion or other factors. If these things are important issues to you then you will want to be specific in your questions. Never feel bad about inquiring concerning such issues.

Teen Hygiene Issues

Puberty and adolescent development can cause havoc on a teens body and mind. It is important to be educated about what is happening at this critical time so that you can talk to your teen in a matter of fact way and let them know that most teens go through the same struggles. It is also important to have a few solutions or ideas to give to them so they don't just feel stuck with what nature is giving them.

In this post we will talk about some of the general things that teens go through and why as well as what they may be able to do to help it be less difficult. We hope that you find some useful information here to discuss with your teen or at least better understand them.

Oil - Not only does teen skin create a lot of oil and at times acne but your scalp and hair can feel very oily. Every single strand of your hair has it's own oil gland and normally this is what keeps your hair shiny and healthy. The problem comes in puberty when hair can just feel down right greasy and can at times be hard to manage. Washing your hair everyday can help this but don't scrub your head too much. A small amount of soap is fine and you may want to choose a shampoo for oily hair. You also need to pay attention to the products you use in styling your hair because many of them contain oils that you may not be aware of.

Body Odor and Sweating - We have all been through this one. As puberty hits so do the odors! Puberty causes your sweat glands to be over productive, this is perfectly normal. One thing that is normal but different than at other times in your life is that during puberty your body is releasing different chemicals through these glands and that can lead to the body odor issue. You may even notice other parts of your body that go through odor changes including your feet.

The best way to deal with this is to shower everyday and stay as clean as you can. Smells are generally caused by bacteria so it is important to stay clean. Always wearing clean clothing each day will also help and a lot of people find that clothing made of cotton can help their bodies breathe easier and keep odor to a minimum. While there are a few people that can get away without wearing underarm deodorant and antiperspirants you may choose to use these products if underarm odor is an issue. Deodorant masks the smell but antiperspirants actually stop the sweat.

Body Hair - Hormones cause hair to crop up in new places for teens. While there are not hygiene rules about what you choose to do about this new hair your parents may have strict rules. For boys they may like facial hair and may or may not want to keep it. And for girls they may decide to not worry about removing leg and underarm hair. It's all a very individual choice. For parents it is important that you teach your teen the proper way to shave and to make sure that they have the right razor or method to remove the unwanted hair safely.

Changing Behaviors in Overweight Teens

According to 1999-2000 data, about 9 million kids between the ages of 6 and 19 are overweight. This is about 15% of this age group! This number has tripled since the early 1980's. 15% more of this same age group are at risk of becoming overweight.

By definition obesity is when a person weighs 20% more than their ideal weight. Being overweight is just having any amount of weight over the ideal weight. A common eating disorder of adolescence is obesity. We live in a world where food is overly processed, fresh foods are not what we put in front of our kids as a whole. Many school cafeterias are serving pizza, corn dogs and hamburgers for lunch but they get away with it because they also offer a salad bar. How many of us during our school years would have chosen salad over pizza? But we expect our kids to. We have families with two working parents that are tired at the end of the day and they order dinner to go or go through a drive thru rather than go home and prepare fresh food for their families.

We need to be teaching our kids that weight is not about fitting into our skinny jeans or looking as glamorous as someone in the media. We need to be teaching about diabetes prevention or high blood pressure and other heart disease. Being overweight can even increase your chances of cancer. These are things that may hit your teen hard when you talk about the importance of getting healthy. However, if you are someone who does not struggle with your weight and you eat junk food a lot but don't gain your teen will not think it is important. You truly have to set the example in your home.

The first behavior to change when you have an overweight teen is to help them set realistic goals. There should be room for forgiving oneself and for moving forward even when there is a slip up in diet or exercise. The focus should always remain on nutrition and health in general, never appearance.

Using multiple small goals to reach a large goal is also known as "shaping" and this is a great tool in successful weight loss and weight maintenance. The idea is that success brings success. So if you succeed at one small goal, you will succeed at two until you reach the final big goal.

Monitoring is a great tool in overcoming specific hurdles. Keeping track of what you take in and how much exercise is happening is a great tool for this. Keeping track of your weight is also crucial but needs to be done in moderation so that health is the goal and not necessarily a number on a scale. It is wise to teach your teen about the bodies fluctuations in weight because of water and other factors.

A powerful tool in weight loss is to eat controlled portions of healthy foods and then give your body time to send the message that you have had enough and are full to the brain. This can take between 15 and 30 minutes and can make all the difference if you are willing to stop eating and just wait until you know for sure whether you are truly hungry for more or not.

Most of us have things that trigger our eating or cravings. These can be hard to figure out even for an adults so without making a big issues out of it you may want to be watchful of your teen and see when they have cravings or are more likely to overeat or make unhealthy food decisions.

There are many programs that offer to help overweight teens but until you have set the example and worked with your teen in a way that does not condemn them or make them feel ashamed you never know what you can do as a family. It's worth a try.

Teen After School Hours

After school hours for teens are a crucial time. This time is either used for growth and development or it can be used for high risk behaviors like teen drug use. It is important for parents and educators to make sure that teens have what they need during these hours of the day.

The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center states that these hours are when very high risk behavior including criminal activity, drug use and alcohol use take place for teens. Most experts will agree that after school programs keep kids safe and boost the teens academic progress.

Each day in our country about 8 million kids of all ages including teens are left unattended after school. 90% of us say that we think that after school programs should be available to everyone but most people will say that it is hard to find such programs in their communities.

The definition of an after school program is a safe environment with structured activities that meets regularly. In these programs teens are supervised, learn new skills and hobbies, and learn how to be responsible adults. The hours between 2 p.m. and 6 p.m. are when teens are at the highest risk of being a victim of teen violence. Between 3 p.m. and 4 p.m. is when the most juvenile criminal activity takes place.

Teens who do not take part in extra curricular activities or after school programs are 49% more likely to use drugs. and they are 37% more likely to become teen parents. Students who have a better chance at beating these statistics spend one to four hours per week in extra curricular activities and/or after school programs. This same group of kids that take part in these activities are less likely to display behavioral problems.

Dealing with Cheating Teens

In October 2009 the Josephson Institute of Ethics released the findings of a study that they did on the outcome of teens who cheat and what this means for the adult life. The results were a bit startling and have made many headlines. Overall, we are seeing that a lot of teens are okay with cheating and lying.

Many teens said that they didn't even consider copying test answers from a peer as cheating. This generation has a very different mindset about overall honesty than say the 50 year olds of today. Most teens said that they feel that to get by in today's world there is a need to cheat or lie.

When parenting teens there are times when we have to explain things that may seem obvious to us but that we should never assume our teens just know. For example, we need to get very specific about what cheating is and we need open discussions about why we need to avoid this kind of behavior. When talking with your teen you may want to remember to point out some of the following definitions of cheating:

• Making up data or resources (such as on a school paper).
• Copying anything written by anyone else whether it's online, in a book or other publication or even a friend's writings. Teens should know they need to have permission to copy another persons writings and then they must give credit where credit is due.
• Copying the work of any other student and passing it off as their own.
• Working with others on individual assignments.
• Getting test answers from any source.
• Taking a test on behalf of another or having someone take a test for them.
• Being part of any of these things, no matter what part you play is wrong!

It may seem to adults that these things are assumed and known by teens. This latest study shows that teens don't see a problem with a lot of these offenses. For them, the lines have been crossed and these things are common place.

So how can you help your teen? These character traits, like honesty, are taught in the home and hopefully reinforced in school as well as the teens extra curricular activities. One way that parents can help their teens and children of all ages is to have regular discussion about family values and character development. Discussion about what makes good and strong men and women that contribute to society rather than help it's decline.

Honesty should be expected of teens and dishonesty should not be tolerated if you don't believe in it. Set the precedence in your home of honesty and set a good example. If it makes it easier to have a discussion about honesty and cheating you can use a parent contract that shows what the expectations for your home are and what the consequences for being dishonest are going to be. This helps a teen understand that you are serious as well as taking out any gray are on issues that are important to you as a parent.

Can You Influence Your Teen's Choice of Friends?

We all know from experience how teens feel about their friends. They are "everything and the only ones that know how I feel". Sounds familiar? Teens grow and change so quickly but they begin to understand how complex people are and how hard it is to find people you really connect with. They also learn that there are times when they can agree to disagree with their friends and still get along.

Parents of teens play a key role in who their kids choose as friends. The first thing a parent has to remember is to stay close to their teen. This can be challenging because teens want to spend ALL of their time with their friends but you have to keep close. Most teens will tell you that they don't need their parents anymore but they do need the security that comes from knowing you are right there all the time. Studies show that teens who are close to their parents are less likely to take part in risky behaviors.

Here are some things that parents can do:

• Show your teen how much you care by getting to know their friends. Try not to go off of first impressions. Really get to know the friend and remember their name.
• Do not get thrown off by physical appearances. You have to give teens a chance. Some make crazy decisions about their appearance and while that may be a problem in some, there are those that are great kids. Just give it a chance before causing a fuss.
• Do what you can to make your home a friendly gathering place for you teen and their friends. If you make your house a great gathering place your teen will feel comfortable having friends there and you will be able to be a part of what is going on (from a distance of course).
• When you have concerns about a certain friend you may want to start out by just not being as warm and fuzzy toward that friend when they come over. Your teen should take your cue. If you say anything negative about the friend your teen will get defensive so it is best if you can handle this matter in another way.

If your teen does not have any friends at all you may want to seek help from a counselor and help your teen to learn how to have these kinds of friendships. You also may have room to be concerned if your teen only has friends that are older or is losing interest in their friends altogether. You may want to find out what the basis of the friendships with older kids is. Often it can be because of drug use or other risky behaviors. This is not to say that all of these friendships are on this level but it is a possibility. If your teen has the issue of losing interest in friends you should seek help soon. Something could be very wrong.

You should not, as a parent, accept your teen being secretive about their social life. You have the right and the responsibility to know where your teen is going, who they are going with and what will be going on. Ask smart questions, have consequences in place for unacceptable behavior and if needed sit down with a parent contract and discuss what is acceptable and what isn't with your teen.

Teens That Lie, Steal and/or Cheat

The Josephson Institute of Ethics did a study last year about teens and their behaviors in regards to stealing, lying and cheating. The findings were a bit disturbing because they don't show the teens in the greatest light. We should all be concerned that these teens are the men and women who will be our leaders in years to come.

According to the study here are a few of the findings:

• Of the teens surveyed, on third of boys and one quarter of girls admitted to shoplifting in the past twelve months. A quarter of these teens said that they had stolen from their parents or relatives. Boys were twice as likely to do this.
• 42% said that they had lied to save some money. 83% said that they had lied to their parents about something quite significant.
• 64% of teens said they had cheated on a test in school within the past twelve months. 38% had done it more than once.
• 93% of these teens said that they were satisfied with themselves with respect to ethics and character.
• 26% even said that they had lied on a minimum of one or two of the survey questions (yes, this survey about honesty)

Certainly society as a whole is to blame for some of these outcomes. We have a problem with this issues. Our politicians, religious leaders and others lie to us and kids see that they get away with it. But can we blame it all on society? Probably not.

Parenting is a serious job and if we let certain behaviors be allowed when children are small or if we expose them to people, t.v. shows, movies that show these forms of dishonesty we are teaching them that it is permissible. Sitting down with your teen for serious discussion on such matters is crucial. It isn't good enough to only talk once and assume things are handled. These larger topics need to be revisited often. A parent contract may be used to help clarify your family values and expectations as well as to put in place the consequences that will come as a result of these behaviors.

Teens and Holidays

The upcoming holiday season is a time for joy and celebration for most people. However, for those that are going through any kind of hard time, period of depression or have suffered a loss, this time can be challenging. Teens can have a difficult time simply because of the changes going on inside of the bodies and their ever changing emotions. They may struggle to find their place in the family and they will need a lot of patience from you as well as a little help finding their way.

It is good to remember that your teen is talented in many areas and has a lot to offer the family unit. If you have a teen who likes music perhaps they could be in charge of compiling the family Christmas/Hanukkah music (and then don't complain about the type of music once it is chosen as long as it is appropriate). If you have a teen who likes to decorate you could let them be in charge of where to put various Christmas/Hanukkah decor or Thanksgiving decor. Maybe your teen is the one who is thoughtful of others and would know just the right gifts for the people around them. Perhaps they like to be in the kitchen and could be in charge of a portion if not all of a special holiday meal where their talent is showcased. You get the idea, the possibilities are endless.

Your teen will take their cues from you. If you act like holiday time is nothing but stress, it will be stress for the teen. If you find joy and relaxation as well as time to slow down to enjoy the season, so will your teen. It's as if your behavior gives them permission to do the same things. There are so many activities that you can do with your teen this holiday season. Take this time to reconnect and get to know each other better.

Teens and Safe Sex

In this blog entry we will talk about a few teen sex statistics having to do with safe sex. We will also discuss how you might approach talking to your teen and the issues that are crucial to cover when you talk.

• In 2005 the CDC reported that over 46% of teens had had sexual intercourse.
• 6% of teens say they had sexual intercourse before the age of 13.
• 14% of teens say they had sex with four or more people .
• In 2005 among the 33% of sexually active teens, 68% say they used a condom the last time they had intercourse.
• According the the American Social Health Association one in four teens each year contracts and STD/STI.

Most often when teens have sexual intercourse their main concern is preventing teen pregnancy. They give little thought to sexually transmitted diseases. The first step to preventing anything from pregnancy to disease (including those that are not STD's but can be spread through sexual contact) is education. Teaching abstinence is great but along with that serious talk needs to go on about the use of condoms. Sharing the statistics with teens can be a great teaching tool. Talking about STD's in depth can be a great tool as well. You may even want to cover those diseases and viruses that can be spread through sexually contact that are not typically considered STD's.

Along with talk about the physical attributes surrounding sexual activity you may talk to you teen about why teens are not typically emotionally mature enough for such risky behaviors. Teens are going through so many changes within a short span of time that it isn't fair to expect them to have the maturity or wisdom to know how to handle sexual encounters. Learning about the psychological affects of sexual contact during these years can be helpful.

Teen Driving

Some parents and even more teens think that teens in general are just entitled to get their license when they turn 16. More and more teens are also expecting to be given a car to drive. There is a sense of entitlement here instead of realizing that really for all of us, the ability and right to drive a car is a privilege and not one to be taken lightly. Driving comes with huge responsibility and should be handled with a lot of maturity.

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control & Prevention) has stated that motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death in teens. These motor vehicle accidents count for more than one third of teen deaths in the United States. In 2007 more than 4,200 teens were killed in vehicle accidents and more than 400,000 were injured. Teens ages 16-19 are four times more likely than older drivers to get in a motor vehicle accident.

The three most at risk groups for motor vehicle accidents in teens are:

1. Male drivers and passengers ages 16-19.
2. Those driving with passengers. The more passengers, the higher the risk.
3. Newly licensed teens are more likely to crash in their first year of having their license.

What issues are behind the high risk:

• Teens do not always judge the situation and see the danger.
• Teens speed more and follow closer behind other vehicles.
• Teens with teen boy passengers are more likely to have accidents.
• Teens have the lowest rate of seat belt use.
• In 2005, 23% of drivers between 15 and 20 that died in vehicle accidents had alcohol in their blood.

What can be done to lower the risks?

• The CDC states that those teen drivers that took graduated drivers licensing courses were 38% less likely to get in accidents. These GDL classes allow teens to get more driving experience than usual and it is in a lower risk setting. This happens before licensing.

Knowing your state laws regarding the graduated drivers licensing is a first step to take in keeping your teen safe. Another thing to do is to let them know that driving comes with maturity and trust. It is a privilege and can be taken away at any time as a consequence. If you sit down with your teen and go over a parent contract you can explain to the teen what types of behavior will be linked to having their privilege to drive taken away.

Teen Friends & Teen Social Life

The teen years are a time when the focus shifts from family to friends. Most parents would agree that it is hard to tear a teen from the friends long enough just to have a meal together let alone a whole weekend together. This is a very natural developmental stage but that doesn't mean that parents should let go and just let it be a free for all where friends take over.

Most parents struggle with how to help their kids gravitate positive friendships. Here are a few things that foster positive friendships that your teen may enjoy.

• Structured youth activities in school, church and community are great ways for teens to meet other with common values, goals and/or interests. Teens that are involved in extra curricular activities are more likely to stay out of trouble after school. It is fair to tell your teen that they need to be enrolled in something but then you do need to let them decide or help decide what activity they want to do.
• Communication is a great thing. When your teen goes to activities and other functions talk to them about what they did, who they saw, how people acted and ask them what they thought of everything. This opens up a dialogue about how the teen perceives others and what is okay and not okay so you can get an idea of what they thing is permissible behavior.
• Make your home a gathering place. If you make it comfortable for your teen to invite their friends and have things around that get them interested you will reap the benefits. Invest in a basketball hoop, maybe a video game, pool table, just something fun. It doesn't necessarily have to be a big ticket item and not just one thing. Basically the atmosphere you create and how willing you are to slip into the side lines and let them have fun will determine if your home is a place where they want to be. If you are constantly hovering over them or criticizing then they will definitely not want to be there.
• Keep in mind that the most positive of friendships and peer groups will hit some bumps in the road from time to time. As long as the bulk of the friendship heads in a positive way and is healthy for the teen you shouldn't worry!